“Did you hear about that Key & Peele movie coming out? It was written by the chubby one, not the skinny one. Apparently, it’s a horror movie.”
“Jordan Peele made a scary movie?”
This was the conversation I had when I first heard about the 2017 American horror film, Get Out, which premiered in January. According to a poll of over 100 movie critics conducted by Awards Daily this past summer, Get Out was voted the best film of 2017.
“What do you mean, ‘you haven’t seen it yet’?” my peers asked judgmentally.
Seeing this movie quickly became a badge of honor to the cosmopolitan masses. Just like the guy not drinking at the office Christmas party is assumed to be an alcoholic, the fact that I hadn’t seen Get Out yet was suspect. Clearly, this guy doesn’t like black people. Or this guy doesn’t hate Trump as much as he’s supposed to. Either way, let’s keep an eye on him.
Not only am I not a horror movie buff in general, when I heard the movie told the story of a white family that kidnapped black men and tortured them (the former turned out to be true), I decided I’d save the $15 movie ticket and forego this particular cinema experience.
“I ain’t seein’ no anti-white flick. Now git!” I snorted racistly.
I assumed the movie would fare decently well in the box office, but that turned out to be a major understatement. Get Out grossed $175.5 million in the United States and Canada and $77.9 million in other territories for a worldwide gross of $253.4 million, against a production budget of $4.5 million.
Wew, LARD! What a great movie this must have been! Still, I resisted the temptation to watch it, instead spending my weekends staring at the wall, squeezing a stress ball, and hating black people for no reason whatsoever.
Until finally, this past weekend, I finally caved. It was late at night. My wife was out of town. I saw it was about to start on HBO (yes, I’m one of the suckers who still pays for the movie channels), so I decided to see what all the fuss was about.
Before I go any further, I guess I should warn of spoilers. But you’ve probably already seen it, right? If you haven’t, you’re a bigot.
The story centers around photographer Christopher Washington. You can tell he’s a photographer because the whole opening credits is dedicated to showing us that black men can, in fact, be photographers. We quickly find out that Chris is dating, you guessed it, a white woman. Her name is Rose Armitage, which is an accurate basic white girl name. I’ll give ‘em that.
Chris has agreed to go spend a weekend upstate with Rose’s parents. He asks if she’s prepared her white parents for her bringing home a black guy. Although she says he’s her first black boyfriend, she assures him it’ll be fine, seeing as her Dad “would have voted for Obama a third time if he could have.”
I then remind myself that the name of the movie is “Get Out.” Sounds like a trap to me…
On the way to her parents’ house, Rose hits a deer, because that’s what us white people do. We hit deer with our cars.
A white cop comes along, and after writing his report, he racially profiles Chris until his SJW girlfriend steps in and kiboshes the whole thing with her white privilege. Total foreshadowing, I know!
They get to the white family’s lair and things seem alright. Rose’s parents are basic-bitch Democrats; the dad a neurosurgeon, the mom a hypnotherapist, naturally. Chris quickly notices the family has a black housekeeper and a black groundskeeper. Racist, I know, right?
Now, at this point in the movie, I’d already seen about four black people: enough to enrage any God-fearing white person. But out of curiosity, I pressed on.
After some spooky encounters, Chris gets tricked into getting hypnotized by Rose’s mom under the guise of ridding him of his cigarette-smoking habit.
Throughout the movie, Chris is constantly checking in with his best friend, Rod, showing us that black men sow much stronger relationships than us white degenerates. Rod works as a TSA agent, which I suspect was merely written into the movie so they could make TSA jokes.
The next day, Chris and Rose find out that the family’s annual get-together is taking place that weekend. It involves a bunch of old white people complimenting Chris on his blackness, whether it’s his build, his apparent strength, or any of his other natural, God-given abilities. This is where things start to get a little nutty.
While Chris convinces his girlfriend to just go home, we see the whites are holding an auction of some sort with a picture of Chris at the forefront. This is a harsh reminder that old, rich white people around the U.S. are still secretly buying black slaves at their large estates.
After Chris finds some photos of his girlfriend with dozens of other black men, he finally realizes these white people are cray. He attempts to leave, but the whole family stops him in his pursuit out the door. Surprise, surprise; his girlfriend was in on it the whole time!
Rose’s mom uses her hypnotherapy tricks to disable Chris and the evil crackers tie his ass up downstairs in the basement. Chris wakes up to see an old TV turn on with a video of Rose’s grandpa explaining, in detail, why Chris is in the situation he’s currently in.
And this is the big reveal, people.
You see, black people are awesome. White people are jealous of how awesome they are. Deep down, we all wish we were black. They run faster. They’re stronger. They’re fashionable. They make better music. They’re smarter, funnier, and apparently, better at photography. White people all have an innate desire to be black.
While I went to high school with some white guys who this definitely applies to, to this, I would personally have to say, “Um, yeah. No.”
Rose’s grandpa has set up an elaborate black-market enterprise with his secret-society pals where they kidnap unsuspecting black men and transplant half of the white person’s brain into the black man’s body. This allows the older white person to have a younger, stronger, and all-around better human body to live the rest of their days with.
However, wouldn’t they be worried about being a victim of systemic racism from there on out? I smell a plot hole.
“Not this brain!” Chris doesn’t say but should have said in the movie. He uses his big, smart, black noggin to trick the white people into thinking he’s unconscious when really, he’s not. He kills the entire family and escapes. The end.
So, I’ll admit: Get Out isn’t anti-white. It’s incredibly pro-black. Pro-black is fine, as long as there’s no double standard to that line of thinking, which there obviously is. I think what liberals fail to understand about us is that we don’t hate non-whites. In fact, I love the idea of different cultures taking pride in their heritage.
But saying the reason white people oppress black people is because we’re secretly jealous? Get out. (See what I did?)
I could quote numerous sources on how Asians and caucasians have invented nearly everything in the modern-day world. I could go on and on about how, despite what the black-hooded gutter punks in Berkeley think, there is evidence showing that certain races have different median IQs. I could lament that it was actually the Arabs that invented the African slave-trade, that it there were plenty of other Africans that sold their countrymen into said slavery, or how less than 2% of the U.S. even owned a slave.
But that wouldn’t change how the Left thinks, because their thoughts are tied directly to their emotions, instead of reason, logic, or facts. Instead of facing those facts and trying to move forward together, they’d like to make fictional movies about rich whites stealing black bodies, or that a sassy black math squad put us on the moon.
If you take the obvious racial overtones out of the movie, it’s actually not bad. It’s definitely suspenseful, and the premise is fairly original.
But, that’s not how this movie was made. It was made to widen the divide in this country, specifically between white and black people.
Blacks haven’t had it easy in this country since they first got here, I’ll admit.
But since I’ve never owned slaves and you’ve never been a slave, do you think we could all move on as one big, happy, dysfunctional family? It’s 2017 after all. And can we cool it with the demanding of reparations, the incessant white guilt, tearing down statues, and blaming everyone else for your problems?
If being okay with being white makes me a white supremacist, then that would make you all black supremacists. Even you, Jordan Peele.